Why you keep ending up in the same argument
Different person, different city, same argument. The words change; the ending doesn't: someone feels unheard, someone else feels blamed, and both leave with the same heavy feeling. Transactional Analysis has a simple explanation — and it is good news, because what can be seen can be changed.
Most repeated arguments are not about the topic. They are a game: a pattern of exchanges with a hidden level, where each person speaks not from the Adult — facts, here and now — but from an older state: a critical Parent (“You never listen”) or an adapted Child (“Fine, whatever you say”). The argument then runs on rails laid down years ago, often in childhood, as part of the script.
Try this in your next difficult conversation: notice which state answers first. If you can pause and reply from the Adult — name the fact, name what you need, offer a choice — the rails end there. It takes practice, and that practice is exactly what we do in sessions: by contract, on your real situations.